Sunday, December 31, 2006

syazwan: sad news

I was informed about it yesterday by mamagie. She was also stunned by the news. I don't know how to react or do.

For your info, Syazwan is not going to UK anymore. The doctors at St Barts informed us that the tumor is too big for the operations. the only thing that we could do now is to send him for that painful chemo at HKL, the same one he got before with a greatest hope that it will do a miracle.

Lest, only two things that could happen. either lose the eye or worse it affect his health.

I just don't know and don't want to think or do about it for now.

the only thing i could think of now is to bring him to Bird Park to let him see the birds . Of course not the same sweetly chirping birds we tried to befriend with at Jalan U Thant few weeks ago.

At least that is the best thing I could do now for him.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Rumah Solehah & syazwan

Mamagie, Farouq and me went to visit Syazwan last night. Before that, We dropped by at Rumah Solehah, to deliver some Christmas goodies for the kids.

Siti of Rumah Solehah playing with Farouq

At Syazwan's house.

shy at first....

5 minutes after that, he is already playing with Farouq

the family. the girl with red pyjama is his eldest sister-victim of retinoblastoma


Tuesday, December 26, 2006


received phone call from mamagie, my colleague who has been helping with syazwan's case. She told me that Dr Sunder of HKL told her that it seems Syazwan's tumor is bigger than the last scan. I felt like crying when she told me that.

Anyway, Dr Sunder said John Hungerford of St Barts reassures us that they are trying to maintain the cost at 7000 GBP sterling and it seems their response is warmer than the Wills Eye.

Dr Sunder will email me the details this evening.

Monday, December 25, 2006



Love means to learn to look at yourself
The way one looks at distant things
For you are only one thing among many.
And whoever sees that way heals his heart,
Without knowing it, from various ills,

A bird and a tree say to him: Friend.
Then he wants to use himself and things
So that they stand in the glow of ripeness.
It doesnt matter whether he knows what he serves:
Who serves best doesn't always understand.

Friday, December 22, 2006


This is 1 year old Sara. Today she is sitting on my lap enjoying the YouTube of hippo & dog duo Pat & Stanley singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".
Her godmother, Ain, our part time volunteer at our office often bring her along. I will not tell you the rest of the sad story of Sara but one thing can tell you that this cute little lady has liver cancer.
Spending few minutes singing and giggling with this friendly Sara is priceless.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

bank account details

you can donate to syazwan's mom bank account.


A/C No. : 1260020004692

Name: Nurul Sakinah Leong Abdullah

Monday, December 18, 2006

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Update on Syazwan

syazwan with his father en. effendy

Just got the latest and heartbreaking news from the doctors early this morning when Dr Sunder of HKL called mamagie today: apparently there is a "hidden cost" of additional USD28600 not mentioned by the Wills Eye hospital administration previously. Damn!

Only yesterday we were in jubilant mood when a friend offered her help to "lend" some funds and today we are back into square one. The next option is to send him to the UK and only by monday we will know the costing for that from the doctors. I hope the funds we raised so far will be enough to pay the treatment cost in the UK hospital.

Only yesterday, I cried silently while driving aimlessly to KLCC thanking for the "miracle" we got yesterday. " Ya Allah! Engkau makbulkan doa kami." I remember that words of thanks I mumbled while regaining my composure.

And now we are being tested by HIM again with the news from Wills Eye. Currently I am listening all over again to Josh Groban's "Don't give up!" to keep my morale high. I always believe, if your intention is noble, Allah will make it easy.

Insya Allah.

Do spread the words around. I pray to Allah so that miracles to happen again in the next few days.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Urgent Appeal for Adik Mohd Syazwan Johari, 3 years old

Dear Friends,

I just want to highlight an urgent appeal for Mohd Syazwan Johari, 3 years old will be going to seek a very urgent cancerous right eye treatment at Wills Eye Hospital,Philadelphia, USA.He already lost his left eye due to retinablastoma. He will be accompanied by his blind mom and my colleague, Puan Fadzilah Wan, Volunteer Coordinator for MAKNA.

The trip is supposed to be funded by Ministry of Health Malaysia (for the treatment cost & lodging) and Yayasan Kebajikan Negara (for travel cost) and my organisation, The National Cancer Council MAKNA (for daily stipends). We already making the arrangement with Malaysian community in Philly to help out with food and winter clothing during their stay for 18 days course of treatment.

However we received a very bad news today when Ministry of Health of Malaysia didn't approved the funding for unknown reason. He is supposed to go last Sunday 10th Dec.Now without the funding, the trip looks bleak.Still, we believe it can be done.

What they need:

Funds of USD12,500 or RM50,000 for the treatment cost. The rest is covered by MAKNA and Yayasan Kebajikan Negara. Just the treatment cost.

What you can do:

  • Help to fundraise for this young boy. Every dollars and Ringgit counts! You can bank in the funds to Syazwan's mom Ambank account in Malaysia. Email me for the details please.

  • Help to spread the words!

If you are interested to help or further info please contact me via email: or my mobile 6019-6925192.

I can give you further details ( medical reports/treatment cost/)

detail of treatment cost for Syazwan at Wills Eye Hospital

medical reports of Adik Mohd Syazwan Johari

passport of Adik Syazwan for the trip

Monday, December 11, 2006


I sent the Voltaire's quote via email to Dr Jemilah Mahmood of Mercy Malaysia few days ago and she replied.

Waalaikum salam wrt wbh,

Thank you Iskandar for your message. Alhamdulillah for the award but I am not motivated by awards and such. You are right about the quotation and it is also in the Prophet's saw hadith that doing good will always for some reason I still cannot comprehend bring a lot of challenges. It is Sunatullah and I redha, though it is very irritating.It will not stop me from trying hard to make this place a better world,inshallah, in any capacity I can.



a reply to ponder deeply indeed.

nice quote

Every day I live I am more convinced that the waste of life lies in the love we have not given, the powers we have not used, the selfish pru-dence that will risk nothing and which, shirking pain, misses happiness as well. No one ever yet was the poorer in the long run for having once in a lifetime “let out all the length of all thereins.”


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Tin Tin

My nephew, Harraz.

Tin Tin.
any resemblance don't you think?

Monday, December 04, 2006

Wise words from Voltaire

"As soon as one wishes to do any good act, one is sure to make enemies. Should one render a service of any kind whatever, one can be certain of meeting with people who will try and crush you. Whether you write prose or verse, or you build a town, it is all the same; you will arouse a persecuting jealousy. There is only one way to escape from that harpy; never write anything but your epitaph, never construct anything except a monument for your tomb and get inside it as quickly as you can."

an extract from a letter written by Voltaire on 4 October 1771 to Madame La Marquise du Deffand

The STAR article

Alhamdulillah. we were featured in The STAR today.

Clowning for health

If you see a man with a red nose and an infectious smile in the hospital, he is probably Iskandar Syah Ismail, a clown dedicated to cheering up sick children. Clowning is far more than just a circus act.
WITH the care of a surgeon, Iskandar Syah Ismail folds the edges of a piece of cigarette paper, then holds the folded paper between his index and middle fingers. Then he turns his body and the paper not only sticks to his middle finger but spins.

Voila! A “finger propeller.” It looks rather magical and is a lot of fun to try too, but certainly not easy to do. Yet it’s easy to see how children would respond to such fun antics, especially from a guy with a bulbous red nose and an infectious smile.

Iskandar is a clown, but not just any clown. He is, in fact, a hospital clown who is dedicated to entertaining sick children in hospitals. The finger propeller is just one of the many tricks he learned in his years of study to perfect his act. Iskandar, a senior executive with the National Cancer Council (Makna), has been into hospital clowning since 2002, and back then he was completely self-taught.

“I used to visit the children in the hospitals who were cancer patients,” says the 30-year-old. “I realised they live in an environment that is scary and boring. I tried to find ways to entertain them, and I did my own research into how to address the issue. At first I was interested in the concept of using art in health, such as murals. But I realised it's not interactive.”

As he went along, he discovered the concept of clown doctors, how the Big Apple Circus in New York has its own clown care unit with performers wearing doctor's uniforms and red noses.

“But they are not doctors,” says Iskandar. “They're just there to entertain the children. From there I began to get to know more. I knew if I wanted to do it, I would have to learn how to be a clown.”

At a hospital in Laos, where he went as a volunteer worker, he learned the valuable lesson that clowning was a universal language that broke down all barriers.

“The American doctors there told me they had these kids from the mountains,” Iskandar explains. “Since the kids didn't even speak Laotian, the doctors didn't know how to cheer them up. My first clown costume consisted of a red nose that I got from a friend in Malaysia, a skullcap with polka dots, and shoes with stickers. And that was my first time clowning. But it was fun.”

In 2003, he went to the University of Wisconsin in the US to study the concept of caring clowns. He attended the one-week clown camp, learned how to use props and mingled with those who had done hospital clowning.

It was there that he discovered his clown persona, Dr Bubbles, because he loved to play with bubbles when he was clowning. But he quickly realised that if he relied solely on props, he would very soon run out of ideas. He decided to delve even deeper into the art of clowning.

“After 2003, I went to the US again to study theatre clowning with Avner Eisenberg,” he reveals. “He's one of the master clowns and teachers of physical comedy. So I enrolled myself in his course called Eccentric Performing at the Celebration Barn theatre. I went there under the Ministry of Arts and Heritage grant and also Makna. I was there for two weeks, and that was the first time I performed in front of people.”
At the end of the course, the participants had to present their act in front of a paying audience. Dr Bubbles’ act involved trying to eat a peanut butter sandwich, which had fallen to the floor, without getting off his stool.

“Avner taught us that clowning is not about being funny,” Iskandar explains. “Instead, we have to focus on what we're doing. If we face a problem on stage, we focus on that problem. But the process of overcoming that problem is what makes the audience laugh. In fact, when the audience laugh, it is also an interruption that you have to deal with.”

In fact, he was so focused on his performance that he did not realise the audience was laughing, until people told him about it after the show. Clowning is not about making balloons, funny faces or falling down, he says. It is about interacting with the audience in an honest way. He says to get on stage, a clown has to even ask for the audience’s permission, what is known as “seeking complicity with the audience.” What he learned is theatre clowning, which does not necessarily require make-up.

“People will know you're a clown just by the way you behave and react,” he says. “For example, why do people love Mr Bean even when he doesn't wear make-up? And there are clowns who wear make-up but are not funny!”
But hospital clowning is very demanding, he says. One needs a big heart to do it because one is dealing with sick children.

“There are some very good clowns out there who lack the courage when it comes to hospital clowning,” says Iskandar. “And it is very difficult to work in a hospital because the environment is different and you're interacting with sick children. You will definitely be affected. You need a lot of courage to do it.
“One of the concepts that we learned in hospital clowning is that you have to be in the moment. You have to put your problems aside. You only return to the real world after the performance.”
Iskandar is a qualified chemical engineer but has never worked in that field. He has always been involved in volunteer work with NGOs.

Asked what it is he finds most rewarding about hospital clowning, Iskandar’s answer is obvious: “To see the children smile. You never get tired of it.”

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Precious moment

I will cherish this precious moment forever.That was Harraz Haiman or TIN TIN (muka sebijik macam cartoon Tin Tin!) as we fondly called him, clad with bright yellow coloured Elmo's bag and enjoying his 1 year old birthday present with his grandparents; discovering the fact that he can finally walk!

Ah, it reminds me of what Louis Pasteur once said,

"When I approach a child, he inspires in me two sentiments; tenderness for what he is, and respect for what he may become."

Monday, November 27, 2006


Only 6 people turned up. That's the problem Cathy Perkins from Big Apple Circus Clown Care Unit warned me about when I told her my program would have start as a volunteer-based.

I must thank the people who turned up that Saturday. Dr Alzamani who came straight from HKL after his locum, Munirah, her brother Muzaffar (me and Alzamani enjoyed talking to him about C&C process as he is currently studying at GMI Shamelin Perkasa), Puan Noraini aka Kak Onie of SALAM, Ina - hardcore SALAM volunteer and works as a lab assistant at a school in Hulu Yam, Ain our bubbly part-timer and Syahmi, 9 year old boy who came to accompany her mom to work at our ward that day.

We learned breathing,clown walk (thanks to brilliant idea from zamani), complicity and improvisation. We used the open space next to the ward and occasionally we noticed the patients peeking through the window to see us doing the exercises.

I am looking forward to do the next workshop next month. But this time around,I am only seek for committed volunteers; so I might charge them refundable fee if they want to come. Otherwise, they can easily cancel their commitment last minute. Even, some of them don't have the courtesy to return my missed calls and simply relayed the message through a third person who turned up. Maybe free knowledge don't have any values at all to some people.Enough is enoughlah.

Friday, November 24, 2006

2nd Hospital Clown Training

alhamdulillah. esok will be organising 2nd workshops at HUKM. around 10 people are coming for the workshop. Will teach them theatrical aspects of hospital clowning; complicity,improvisations and problem solving and of course fun part - playing bubble soaps!

Monday, November 20, 2006

random act of kindness

Received a bag of coins from a grieving mother today. It is her daughter's savings. Lee Ling Pei was her name and she was 8 when she passed away of Leukemia last month.

The image of a mother and a quiet father performing a random act of kindness to other cancer patients will embedded deeply in my mind for a very long time.

Monday, November 13, 2006

tough lorr

Been advised that it's going to be tough.

Calls never been picked up. SMS never been answered.

Hahaha...I hope she know what she is up against with.

Friday, November 10, 2006

You Learned

It was yesterday. I was assembling my newly bought bookshelf in the living room when I hear familiar footsteps outside. Oh, these bunch of kids, again! For past few days, my “halaman’ becoming a favourite spot for the kids from the neighbourhood for their hide-and-seek games. My rented house is cozily situated on a cul-de-sac lane and I really enjoy the “quietness” of it after work. Thus, the presence of the kids running around lately made me a little bit annoyed.

I was halfway through with the bookshelf I decided to have a little “nice words” with the kids outside my house.

I opened the sliding doors and through the grill I saw 2 or 3 kids with bicycles and I said nicely,

“Adik, boleh tak main kat tempat lain?Kalau apa apa hal tak pun barang hilang dari rumah orang, adik pulak kena tuduh nanti”.

One of the kids, the smallest,

“Ok, ok , kami faham” and they walked away.

For a while I was glad.

A minute later when I returned to finish assembling the shelf, I realized.

“Have I say something wrong? They are just bunch of kids who see my house as their safe place” I reasoned.

“Perhaps, I was too quick to judge them” I quietly said to myself.

“Do they pose problem to me so far?”

The answer is quite clear. I was wrong.

I quickly finished hit the last nails into the bookshelf and prepared myself for my routine walk at Bukit Indah Forest Reserve. As I drove out from the house, I saw the kids again at the junction.

I slowly stopped the van and rolled the window. I said,

“ Dik, bukan saya tak bagi adik main di rumah saya tu. Ada besi tutup lubang tempat kumbah tu pecah”. Yes there is a broken septic tank cover situated in the house compound that has not been replaced for quite sometime.

“Takut nanti kamu main di situ terjatuh.”
I reasoned nicely.

The smallest kid replied,

“ Ooo..pakcik tak marah lah kami main kat sana ya?”

“Tak. Tapi pakcik takut awak jatuh dalam lubang tu” I explained.

“ OOo..pakcik risau kat kami lah ya..OK..kami faham” He said.

“Jadi, pakcik tak kisah kami main kat sana?” He cleverly negotiated their terms.

“Tak tapi hati hatilah”. WIN!

“OK”. Agreed.

Phew. Yesterday, One thing I learned, that it’s better to explain something with care with the young rather than scolding or shouting at them right away without explaining the reasons behind it. You will never get their respect.
Note: And another good lesson, I know I am already old when they called me Pakcik.


got the result the other day. Alhamdulillah 80% OK and have to work out another 20%.
That 20% can be tough one.But I am determined.

Tell me friends,

how to woo and heal a broken heart?

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Monday, November 06, 2006

hari ini

dengan izin perkenan penyimpan mohor besar jiran dekat rumah; Maka jawapannya akan diketahui hari ini.

Friday, November 03, 2006

pantun menunggu

Orang tua-tua kata,

Kalau padi, katakan padi,
Tidak saya tertampi-tampi,
Kalau sudi, katakan sudi,
Tidak saya ternanti-nanti.

On the other hand,

Kalau matahari tinggi segalah,
Mari solat sunat 2 rakaat,
Kalau tak sudi cakap ajelah,
boleh saya beli oven EUROPA cepat-cepat!

ha..jawab jangan tak jawab!

(Nota: pantun ke-2 itu tiada maksud atau niat apa-apa untuk menyinggung perasaan sesiapa termasuk salesman oven Europa)

Thursday, November 02, 2006


Sesungguhnya penantian itu suatu penyeksaan!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

memori raya di jerantut

family photo (cousins,wan,uncles,aunty,nephew and nieces semua ada)

my nephew, Harraz Haiman with Abah

my mom with my bro aka Pakcik Kecik

Lemang Goreng Abah

Jagung Kukus gua aka Pakcik Besar

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

hear what Laurence Olivier said

I found that the advice by Sir Laurence Olivier in his book, "On Acting" (Wiedenfield & Nicholson, 1986) is very much relevant to theatrical clowning work.

He wrote,

"Members of the audience must be respected.They must never be underestimated.
It's very easy to sneer behind your handkerchief and wink at your fellows in
the wings, but among that sea of faces beyond the footlights someone will know.

It is the same wherever you go, in all form of entertainment:You respect
them, they may respect you.They can be manipulated, of course,but that something

This they enjoy, this is why they are here; but they must not be
handled clumsily or obviously."

I guess that's why I don't laugh when watching Senario or Gitu Gitu Apek or perhaps AHA!

BIG decision

made a very big decision during raya.A very very very BIG.
now anxiously waiting.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

a letter to me

Dear me,

I know how you felt about The New York Clown Festival recently. I know you can't hide your frustation with what you have gone through. To be in some good workshops yet trapped in some bad ones - watched some good and Bad shows and to admit that it wasn't much what you are looking for especially after spending considerable sum of money just to go there.

And today while trying to push it away from your mind, you got a surprise email from The Whynot Institute informing that Angela de Castro is conducting her almost annual 2 weeks intensive masterclass workshop" How to be a Stupid" in London from 20th November to 1st December 2006 for GBP450 only. Aaaaaaahh! How you wish you knew this earlier and perhaps you could scrapped off the New York trip for this workshop.

Well, that's life. you found and grab something and you might missed something. You just don't know. It's not a failure. Don't you ever think like that. In clown world, you embrace failure with chin up attitude and just march on.

I know how you wish you could have lots of money to just fly to London in 3 weeks time and learn as much as you can from this inspiring lady and return to teach fellow clowns under your wings. Could it be possible? It might. You have done many impossible things since you embarked for this journey. Trust your intuition my friend. You know that you all along never listen to the voices that always says, " It can't be done" and you will prove otherwise. By all means -Just follow your heart and do what is necessary.

Your friend,



"How To Be A Stupid"

An intensive, challenging journey into the state of clowning with masterclown Angela de Castro

Monday 20 November to Friday 1 December 2006
London, £450

‘How To Be A Stupid’ is a full-time full-on course into the state of clowning - intense and challenging but profoundly transformatory as well. For beginners and those more experienced who need refreshing, refocusing or a burst of energy, this course will take you on a profoundly challenging journey, with laughs and play along the way.

For Angela de Castro, clowning is not a technique but a state, a state of imagination. How To Be A Stupid will take you on a journey to find and maintain that state. Through exercises and games, this practical course takes participants through a process that helps them find their clown within and experience this persona in the state of clowning.

Week one of the workshop is an introduction to Angela de Castro’s method and the search for the clown persona. The aim is to encourage participants to discover their own clown style and their clown within. Week two takes participants onto more advanced clowning techniques and the creation of The Land of Why Not.

For those of you who are already clowns, this process will help you find truthfulness and depth in your clowning, encompassing the tragic as much as the comic. For actors and other performers, this process will help make your performing more real, more individual, more joyful. For beginners and those who just want an experience of personal development, the course will take you on a transformatory journey of discovery.

How To Be A Stupid is a unique masterclass in clowning. Come prepared for challenges and change. How To Be A Stupid changes your approach to your work and your life, as the state of clowning/ imagination is the starting point for the creative process in any field.

This workshop is demanding, intense, inspiring and emotional, with lots to discover for beginners in clowning and reassurance for those who are already clowning and need a burst of energy.

“I expected it to be very difficult. The truth was that the clown state was difficult for everyone, actors included. The emotions they convey are yours and they’re about you, no one else. You have to be brave to do that. The clown state is also incredibly fragile: you come out of it very easily. De Castro explained that she had discovered a few years ago that teaching was as much part of her mission as being a clown. We never once doubted how serious she was about this. She only showed a technique to help us understand, never as an opportunity to show off. But boy is she talented! I don’t think I have the ability to turn the clown state into a performance per se. Who knows… meanwhile I can see that the single most important factor behind my sweetest moments so far is flashes of courage. Let’s have more!”
HTBAS Participant

Practical information

Date: Monday 20 November to Friday 1 December
(please note: Monday to Friday only for both weeks)

Time: 9.30am to 6pm daily

Cost: £450

Place: Islington, London

Open for: HTBAS is open to all performers, non-performers and anyone
who would like to do personal research on the way they present
themselves. There is a limit of 12 places and participants must
be aged 18+.

Availability: You need to be available for the whole workshop because it
follows a process which the whole group needs to go through
together. It is not possible for participants to take time off for
other commitments or to arrive late/leave early.

Fee: If you book between July and 30 September, you can reserve
your place by sending a non-refundable deposit of £100. The
remainder of the fee is due by 1 November. For those booking from 1 October, the full fee must be paid when you apply. The booking form tells you how to send your fee.

T&C: Please make sure you read the terms and conditions on the
booking form carefully before you apply, especially those
relating to cancellation and attendance.

The Why Not Institute
020 7739 8363

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

kad raya

just got kad raya from a cancer patient i met for a brief moment not so long time ago. He wrote,


Selamat menjalani ibadat puasa.

Terima kasih diucapkan di atas bantuan kewangan yang diberikan oleh MAKNA.

Sekarang ini saya dirujuk semula ke Hospital Besar Kuantan.

Laporan CT Scan yang terakhir menunjukkan keputusan positif sehinggakan doktor-2 tidak mempercayainya. Tumor di kawasan pankreas didapati sembuh sepenuhnya.

Namun masih perlu rawatan susulan. Berjumpa Pakar Bedah di HTAA serta oncologist HKL yang datang ke HTAA setiap 2 bulan. 3 atau 4 bulan sekali perlu dibuat CT scan dan diperiksa kandungan darah. Bimbang ianya berulang."

His parting words really struck deep into my heart.

Harap Allah memanjangkan usia kita. Selamat Berjumpa kembali.

Mohd Azmi Awang
Kemaman, Terengganu.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to you all. Harap Allah memanjangkan usia kita.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

rintih golcuk

I think i wrote this in 1999 after watching BBC coverage on the earthquake in Turkey that left 14,000 dead.

Rintih Golcuk

seorang anak menyaksi semua,
45 saat terlalu lama
terlalu pedih
tiada ibu disisi
bapa telah jauh pergi
hanya tindihan konkrit
cerucuk layu
si cilik Chemin
menunggu setia.

sebuah masjid menyaksi semua,
seorang tua asyik dgn quran usang,
ditepi runtuhan 7 tingkat
gerombolan penyelamat,
menguis serpihan raksasa,
sesekali terhenti,
mendengar rintihan
yang semakin diam.

sebuah dunia menyaksi semua,
laungan soldadu atarturk
mendiamkan azan di hagia sophia
kini lesu keliru
akibat bentak menyalah manusia
yang kian muak dengan opresi
berdekad lama.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

rekindle the memory

My fellow STARians and senior, Ilon called me from from our beloved alma mater today to ask me about the whereabouts of tins of old films on STAR Ipoh during the King's visit in 1957 . He is searching for materials for our alma mater Golden Jubilee Celebration next year. I discovered it in the Kelab Wayang Gambar -turned to - store room in our School Hall during my search for historical items while actively involved in STAR Historical Society in the 1990s. I found it together with the photos of STAR during constructions days.

Too bad when I left STAR, the films and all those memorabilias we found and carefully kept during our time and passed to the younger generations eventually "lost" during the years. I think the regret I still have is not to keep it in my possession knowing its value and historical importance.

Alas, Ilon reassures me old copies of our school magazines "PERINTIS" dated back to 1962 are still there in the library. But he can't find the 1st issue of PERINTIS yet. I still remember proudly reading the magazine about my father who just won Victoria Bronze Medal in Swimming in 1963 and also showing my friend how handsome my father was in his Brigade Commander of St John's Ambulance uniform. (I eventually followed his footstep by becoming a Sgt Major for Malaysian Red Crescent unit). I am looking forward to go back there next year - with my father of course!

STARians 89 -93 (guess which one is me? clue: gua dulu slim and jambu!)

Monday, October 09, 2006

he did it again!

My sister's friend came to her house for buka puasa recently. After the buka puasa, being a good guest, she went to the kitchen and help my sister to wash the dishes.

As she was busy helping, my nephew Amin entered the kitchen and remarked,

" Alhamdulillah, ada orang basuh pinggan!"

Rudy's Game Plans for Winning at Life

I love the story of Daniel "RUDY" Ruettiger in the film"Rudy". Such an inspiring guy he is. Below are his insights on winning at life.

Insight #1 Be the person you want to be.
"Make the decision to take action and move closer to your Dream. Create daily success habits and surround yourself with information that will empower and inspire you."

Insight #2 Use anger in a positive way to get results.
"Anger is a normal reaction. It's what you do with anger that makes a difference in your life ... direct your anger towards a goal ... use anger in a positive way to get results ... from anger comes determination ... comes triumph."

Insight #3 It starts with a Dream.
"Visualize your Dream and make a commitment. Having a Dream is what makes life exciting. Never underestimate the power of a Dream. It will change your life. A Dream gives you the ability to determine your future."

Insight #4 Eliminate the confusion.
"Find mentors who encourage you. The right information will eliminate confusion. Visualize exactly what you want to be ... and focus on that ... believe in yourself and don't let anything stop you. Reinforce your Dream every day with positive information from tapes, books, and mentors. Each day you will get closer to your Dream. Eliminate the confusion and fears, and make it happen."

Insight #5 The greater the struggle, the greater the victory.
"Most people allow struggles and fear of failure to stop them. The key is to learn from your struggles and move on. Failures will make you stronger and give you the information you need to reach your Dream. Struggle will prepare you for success. Without struggle there is no success."

Insight #6 Follow your passion instead of the dollar.
"There's nothing wrong with making money ... but, it's important to focus on your passion instead of the dollar. For me, decisions based on my passion brought me closer to my Dream, while decisions based only on money took me further away. If you focus on what really fulfills you, you will have success. The dollar alone does not bring happiness."

Insight #7 Excuses will kill your Dream.
"What we're really talking about here is commitment. Until you make a commitment to your Dream, it's not really a Dream ... it's just another fantasy full of excuses. Fantasies don't come true because they're not real, we're not committed to them. When we make commitments, we eliminate excuses and they become Dreams ... and Dreams are definitely real."

Insight #8 Prepare for your Dream.
"Preparation is what comes from struggle. Knowledge comes from preparation. These are the elements that pave the road to your Dream. If we do not prepare we will not succeed. Set your goals and pursue your Dreams with all your heart. If you miss a goal, don't quit, reset it! You just need to learn more ... step by step you will win!"

Insight #9 Focus on your Dream and Never Quit.
It is always too soon to quit. If you quit, you can't succeed. By achieving your Dream you will be an inspiration to others. You will set the example and make an enormous impact on the world. Make it happen!"

Insight #10 Always have a Dream.
"Dreams give us energy to go to new levels. Dreams change lives ... the power of life is in your Dreams!"

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

doa buka puasa hari ini

Ya Allah,

Terima kasih diatas nikmat yang kau berikan iaitu sekeping PIZZA STUFFED CRUST PEPPERONI (separuh lagi ROYAL MASALA) LARGE untuk hambamu ini berbuka puasa hari ini.

Dan juga selamatkan perjalanan budak Pizza Hut yang naik motorsikal menghantar pizza itu pada petang ini pergi dan balik.


Tuesday, October 03, 2006

mari membaca

Just bought John Wright's " Why is that so Funny" from I will get it in 2 weeks time. Hilary Chaplain mentioned about it when we had drinks at Catfish near The Brick Theatre after her show.

I finished James Bradley's "Flag of Our Fathers" while in NYC and grabbed Rory Stewart's "The Places in Between" at Newark Airport on the way home.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

home sweet home & al-fatihah

Arrived home last monday after 21 hours flight from NYC.
Glad to be back. Jetlagged still.
Just got news from my sister that her MIL passed away in Mekah. Road Accident costing 9 lives. Have yet to get full details.


Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Life is all about HaHa HeHe...

Contradicting Meera Syal's novel and recently adopted TV series, My life this week is all about HaHa Hehe.

Just got email today from Brick Theatre informing that one spot has opened for Sue Morrison class during NY Clown Festival. Phew!! I quickly booked the place for USD200. In total, 4 workshops to attend for USD500 and 16 performances to be watched. The workshops I will be attending are as follows:
  • Jef Johnson: Unlocking the Life of the Clown
In this workshop, traditional and non-traditional exercises are used to explore and unlock the creative impulse, freeing the true expression of the clown under any given circumstance.

Jef Johnson is a principal clown in the company of Slava's Snowshow. As clown, he toured with Cirque du Soleil and also served as Artistic Director for the tour's 2003 stage parody of Dralion in Mexico City. Other theatrical roles include The Cat in the Hat in Seussical, Fool in Dario Fo's Accidental Death of an Anarchist, Major in Goldoni's Mirandolina, Harpagon in Moliere's The Miser, Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of OZ. He has more than fifteen years experience in costume character and large format puppet performance, walk around character development and free form clown performance.

He has studied in a wide range of Old World disciplines, including Clown, Mask, Mime, Dance, Commedia Dell'arte, Circus and Improvisation.
  • Sue Morrison: Clown Intensive Workshop

Sue Morrison, Artistic Director of the Theatre Resource Centre, has been teaching, directing and collaborating on Clown and Bouffon across the globe for 25 years. Today, Morrison's unique and powerful work brings together the diverse elements of Native American and European Clowning, Bouffon, le Jeu and Improvisation.

Her students are currently featured in Cirque du Soliel, The Blue Man Group, Slava's Snow Show, the Second City and on other International stages. She has taught at the dell'Arte School of Physical Theatre and teaches and creates regularly with the LUME group of Brazil. She has also been a presenter at International Theatre Conferences in Brazil and Argentina. Her work has been the focus of several International documentaries.

  • Chris Bayes workshops: The Greatest Trick in the World: a celebration of the stupid! & The Flop: the clowns capacity for tragedy.

Chris Bayes has directed numerous plays including Red Noses, Four by Feydeau, The Bourgeois Gentleman, The Moliere One Acts, The Love of Three Oranges, The Imaginary Invalid, The New Place by Carlo Goldoni, We Won't Pay, and his new adaptation of Molière's The Reluctant Doctor of Love, all at the Juilliard School and NYU's Graduate Acting Program. He has staged original works including Wreckage at P.S. 122, The Big Day and The Fiasco Bro. Circus at Juilliard, Zibaldon? at HERE, The Fools/Los Locos Del Pueblo at Touchstone Theater, and Necromance, A Night of Conjuration at Dixon Place.

Regional directing credits include shows at the Intiman in Seattle, the Court in Chicago, the Idaho Shakespeare Festival, and Yale Repertory Theater. Chris has served on the faculty of the Juilliard School, the Actor's Center, Yale School of Drama, the Academy of Classical Acting at the Shakespeare Theater in Washington D.C., NYU's Graduate Acting Program, and as the Director of Movement and Physical Theater at the Brown/Trinity Consortium. His new book, detailing his approach to clown and acting is due out this Spring.

Apart from attending the workshops, I have another very important mission to accomplish. A good friend of mine asked me to get him Corn Nuts and Grape Nuts to bring back home. I am not sure whether the Corn Nuts will survive the journey back home especially when return flight on the 1st of Ramadhan and smell of Corn Nuts is quite tempting for sahur on the plane.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

it said all.

Seriously, it is not a major decision in my life. It is just I am a bit disturbed by some bollocks in my office who never been out from the office and do not know how daffodils looks like and busy-body enough trying to talk me out to forgo my trip. I guess this is the bad voices in Mary Oliver's The Journey who always be the ones who say "you can't do this and that". Their "I-must-warn-you-because-I-care-and if-you-don't-I-will-tell-the-boss" attitude is really disturbing. GET A LIFE BEB!

Thanks dragon biscuit, klmuk and kakteh for your inspiring words in the comment box of my previous posting. As I look up to the quotes on the banner of my blog ,it said it all what I felt and what my decision going to be.

Friday, August 25, 2006


I am facing a dilemma.

Stay, attend the compulsory in-house training, and brighten my chance
to get promotion?


Follow my heart and go to NYC live up my dreams but forsaken a step higher in my career ladder?

If you are in my shoes, what will you do?

Thursday, August 24, 2006

bosan day....................................

Just wrote to FTC for an emergency grant in my last minute efforts to reduce the travelling cost to NYC.
Got the MAS ticket yesterday. RM4300 terbang beb! Alhamdulillah, so far everything in place. accommodation dah sorted out. I will stay at YMCA for a week (thanks Diz!), then to Hilary's apartment and after that tumpang rumah makcik Jane Nichols. Baru tahu yang rumah dia tak jauh dari Islamic Center New York. YMCA dengan Brick Theatre dalam 1 batu jalan kaki. Oklah. adat merantau.
Dah congak congak, ada dekat 16 performances kena tengok. satu performance $10. Workshops fees cecah $400. Harapnya sampai nanti workshop tak penuh lagi. Kalau FTC bagi grant tu lega lah bukan sikit ..BANYAK!
ah this time sempat lah nak pergi memorial service di Ground Zero on the 11th Sept. Nasib baik most of classes and performances start sebelah petangnya. Pagi pagi bolehlah merayau ke Times Square and naik Feri Staten Island (free) sambil tengok Statue of Liberty and Manhattan dari jauh (ala view macam dalam postcard tu).

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Kenyataan Akhbar: Esok Berkabung

Kuala Lumpur - 20 Ogos

Jurucakap bagi pihak DR Bubbles memaklumkan bahawa tiada sebarang posting esok sebagai tanda perkabungan. Namun apabila ditanya media, jurucakap yang tidak mahu dikenali memberitahu bahawa ia tidak ada kena mengena dengan perkahwinan Siti Nurhaliza dan Datuk K esok.

Media juga dimaklumkan bahawa Dr Bubbles sedang berkhalwat di kaki Gunung Ledang sambil menunggu "khabar penting" dari kampungnya di Jerantut. Apabila ditanya kot kot Dr Bubbles berada di kaki Gunung Ledang untuk mengenen-ngenen Gusti Puteri Raden Ajeng Retno Dumilah. Menurutnya, Gusti Puteri tak ada di istananya kerana sedang membintangi teater muzikal di Kuala Lumpur yang bertajuk;

" Strawberi, Petai dan Coklat"

Friday, August 18, 2006

Cerita Hari Ini

Saya belajar sesuatu hari ini.

"Jangan sesekali menghalang rezeki orang lain "

Kembali kepada usaha saya untuk menuntut ilmu di New York City bulan depan. Baru sahaja menelefon Northwest Airlines. Tiket ke New York sekitar RM4000. Tiket penerbangan Singapore Airlines pula apabila ditanya kepada agen pelancongan pula mencecah hampir RM7000. Mahalnya!

Saya sebenarnya masih bimbang jikalau pinjaman bank saya tidak diluluskan. Hanya minggu depan kata putus dari bank baru dapat diperolehi. Kalau diluluskan terpaksa menunggu seminggu lagi untuk menunaikan cek itu. Memang "kerja gila" membuat pinjaman bank semata mata untuk ke New York City. Namun saya punyai alasan tersendiri mengapa berbuat demikian demi mencapai cita-cita dan impian saya. Saya percaya segala usaha dengan niat yang baik pasti akan dipermudahkan Allah.

Lewat malam tadi dikejutkan pula oleh deringan telefon bimbit. Rupa-rupanya Yusof, teman serumah yang sedang berehat di rumah orang tuanya di Putrajaya setelah menjalani pembedahan kecil memaklumkan bahawa teman sekerjanya di Tourism Malaysia New York telah menghubungi beliau berkenaan dengan hal penginapan di sana. Saya telah menulis beberapa hari yang lalu kepada pegawai Tourism Malaysia, Puan Norizah di New York City meminta bantuan untuk mencari rumah orang Malaysia untuk menumpang sewaktu di sana. Setelah berbincang dengan suaminya, beliau bermurah hati menawarkan bantuan untuk menumpangkan saya di rumahnya semasa saya di sana kelak.

Manakala pagi ini, Puan Blogreader pula menawarkan bantuan untuk menaja kos penginapan di asrama-asrama belia yang berdekatan dengan Brick Theatre, tempat berlangsungnya The New York Clown Festival itu nanti. Saya terharu sebenarnya dengan kemurahan hati teman teman yang baru saya kenali ini. Tanpa berfikir panjang terus menghulurkan bantuan kepada seorang asing dalam hidup mereka.

Saya fikir inilah mungkin pengajaran yang ibu bapa saya selalu tekankan kepada kami agar berbuat baik dengan orang lain kerana mungkin satu hari nanti budi baik kita dibalasi jua dengan cara yang tidak disangka-sangka.

Kerana itulah, kami tidak soalan panjang untuk membawa seorang mangsa kemalangan jalanraya berbangsa asing ke hospital biarpun tinggal nyawa-nyawa ikan. Dan tanpa ragu-ragu menumpang "backpackers" yang menunggu bas yang tak kunjung tiba di Jeti Kuala Tembeling ke Jerantut. Atau pun menjamu air kelapa sekumpulan pelajar-pelajar perubatan yang sedang mengikuti program penyemburan aedes di kawasan perumahan kami.

Oleh sebab itu lah saya masih tidak jemu menghulurkan bantuan kepada "strangers" tanpa banyak soal. Semoga dikala susah, ada sahaja orang orang yang baik hati tampil membantu saya pula.

(Nota: Adakah tulisan saya ini berbunyi kelakar di dalam Bahasa Malaysia?? Ala saya baru berusia 30 tahun. Hahahaha!)

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

stupid conversation

On YM today with a long lost friend.

Mr X: adik2 ko dah kawin ke?
adabi99: adik aku dah
adabi99: tinggal lagi 3
Mr X: ko nie tak ader calon lagi ke...
adabi99: hek ele
Mr X: atau sibuk sgt dgn career
adabi99: ko ni punya lama tak jumpa pasal kawin ko sibuk tanya aku
adabi99: tanyala benda lain yang sesuai sikit
Mr X: ok ler... sorry.. sensitive ko skrg nie
adabi99: bukan ko sorang aje yang tanya malah beribu ribu orang

adabi99: lama lama malas nak jawab beb
Mr X: ok ler...
adabi99: u don't have to worry whether i wil get marry or

adabi99: let me worry about that
adabi99: ok
Mr X: mcm mana dgn clown ko ty
adabi99: hope you understand
adabi99: ok
adabi99: will do my workshop soon

By the way I am seeing pyschiatrist next week to figure out what I am not married yet. If it still does not settle my problem, I am going to Medan to get one. Puas hati??

Nota: Dont' worry ! tiada cewek cewek Medan yang di"rosakkan" dalam perbualan yang sungguh bengong ini.

Monday, August 14, 2006


I love these words in a letter by artist Sol Le Witt to an unknown painter in the early 1960s , Eva Hesse who wrote to him asking for advice on how to get unstuck.

“Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder, wondering, doubting,fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, gasping, confusing, itching, scratching, mumbling, bumbling, grumbling, humbling, stumbling, rumbling, rambling, gambling, tumbling, scumbling, scrambling, hitching, hatching, bitching, moaning, groaning, honing, boning…searching, perching, besmirching, grinding grinding grinding away at yourself.

Stop it and just DO…

Try tickle something inside you, your “weird humor.” You belong in the most secret part of you. Don’t worry about cool, make your own uncool. If you fear, make it work for you – draw and paint your fear and anxiety. And stop worrying about big, deep things such as “to decide on a purpose and way of life..”

You must practice being stupid, dumb, unthinking, empty. Then you will be able to DO! I have much confidence in you and even though you are tormenting yourself, the work you do is very good. Try to do some BAD work. The worst you can think of and see what happens but mainly relax and let everything go to hell.”

Eva Hesse abandoned her painting career and went on to create sculptures and became a major artist by the the time she was 30. Sadly, Hesse had only a few short years in which to fulfill her creative vision. She died of cancer, in 1970, at 34.

Friday, August 11, 2006

pakcik besar & petai dipped in chocolate

Please call me Pakcik Besar.
And I will send you a bowl of petai dipped in chocolates!